The Launch of Another Centrist Damp Squib Allows Us to Reminisce Happily About Other Hopeless Political Offerings

We all ought to crack open the English Sparkling and celebrate the launch of Prosper UK starring Sir Andy Street and Baroness Ruth Davidson for the desperate pleasure it will bring us all. These gallant warriors aim to attract millions of politically homeless to their cause of what, on first glance, seems to be a new chain of Pawn Shops: Prosper UK: tarnished goods, cheap prices. The team is headed up by Gavin Barwell, Amber Rudd, Andy, Ruth, David Lidington and an already uncomfortable looking David Gauke.

In these politically exciting times, where finally ideas and first principles seem to matter, Prosper UK is sticking to the reliably meaningless centrist drivel, promising:

We believe there is an urgent space for practical, pro-business politics that unites rather than divides, that stands up to both the Left and the populist Right, and that refuses easy answers and empty promises. As moderate conservatives, we are determined to fill that space, offering stability, responsibility and optimism for the country’s future.

But we shouldn’t despair about this already dated garbage, but instead thank the Prosper UK team for the fun they will bring. Bets could be made about how long it will last, where they will have their first celebratory dinner and how many of millions will respond joyously to their banner. Will there be merch?

This exhilarating political news gives us a wonderful opportunity to also remember other former dead-on-arrival political groups, bold initiatives and confected personality cults that flare for a day or so before vanishing like an almost-remembered dream.

• The TIGGERS, or TIGS, The Independent Group. Memory suggests that this group met once, in the unlikely location of Nandos. It aimed to overthrow Brexit. Members included Chuka Umunna, Anna Soubry, Heidi Allen and Chris Leslie. Optimistically rebranded to Change UK 2020, the group (much like Prosper UK), proposed firmly that centrist values must not change: Britain was to stay in Europe, petrol cars were to be outlawed and… all the rest of it. The tiggerish TIGGERs failed to make an impact on themselves or anyone else, and disbanded within the year. What I would like to know is whether they still meet on a casual basis just to enjoy butterfly chicken?
• Sir Gavin Willliamson. Briefly presented as handsome and tough owing to keeping a tarantula on his desk.
• POP CONs, established by Mark Littlewood and launched by former PM Liz Truss in February 2024, the PopCons pushed for Right-leaning policies. It is still nominally active, with popularconservatism.com still ‘inviting engagement’. Littlewood and Truss seem to be the only active members.
• Moggmania. A limp attempt to mirror Corbynmania in the form of member for the 18th century Jacob Rees Mogg. The Instagram #moggmania has today “fewer than 100 posts”.
• The Sandi Toksvig party (AKA The Women’s Equality Party) actually had a fairly good run, reaching a high-water mark in 2015-17 with 45,000 members. However, its name, the Women’s Equality Party, caused all sorts of difficulties. Various rows were had about who exactly women were: women or men? They failed to sort this out, so members voted to dissolve themselves in November 2024.
• Andrea Leadsom. Like the Nine Days Queen, Andrea Leadsom was improbably Prime-Minister-in-Waiting for 12 days in the 2016 chaos after Brexit.
• The Ed Stone. The eight foot six-inch, two tonne Ed Stone is a limestone monument to political vacuity. Carved in stone were Ed Miliband’s pledges for the 2015 General Election: “A strong economic foundation”, “higher living standards for working families”, “an NHS with the time to care”, “controls on immigration”, “a country where the next generation can do better than the last” and “homes to buy and action on rents”. It was reported that the Ed Stone was ‘destroyed’ by sledgehammers. Did Ed Miliband wield one of them?

So go forth and prosper Prosper UK, we all need a bit of light relief from the actual gloom that Starmer and Reeves are spraying around the place.

Joanna Gray is a writer and confidence coach.