Energy Policy Pantomime

A lot of ground has been covered documenting the farce that is Net Zero and UK energy policy. As it’s Christmas, let’s revisit some of the characters through the lens of pantomime.

In keeping with the season of goodwill, we should begin with the Prince Charming of UK energy policy. I refer of course to Richard Tice who painted more detail on Reform’s policy of abandoning Net Zero by pledging to annul any contracts awarded under the current Allocation Round 7 (AR7). Of course, we should also have a special mention for Snow White and Cinderella, namely Kemi Badenoch and Claire Coutinho who collapsed the cosy climate consensus by first abandoning the Net Zero by 2050 target and then going further, pledging to repeal the Climate Change Act, remove carbon costs from gas-fired electricity and end the Renewables Obligation (ROCs) subsidy scheme early.

Like any pantomime, UK Energy policy has more than its fair share of clowns and villains, starting with Widow Twankey Ed Miliband and his sidekick Chris “Wishee Washee” Stark who keep repeating the mantra that energy bills will come down, but the audience roar back “Oh no they won’t”.

We must not forget Greg “Greganeezer Scrooge” Jackson, who makes a virtue out of building loss-making businesses. Greganeezer awoke with a jolt, hearing noises outside even though it was the middle of the night. He opened his curtain and window only to see a small boy in the street carrying a washing basket. “You boy, what hour is this?” he exclaimed. The small boy turned and said “Why it’s three o’clock in the morning sir.” Greg looked around and said “Then why is everyone up and active?” The lights, sounds and smells of activity were all around. The boy responded. “Why Mr Scrooge, it is the pricing of your time of use tariffs making the poorer people do their normal activity at the wrong times.” Scrooge stood silent for a while, then threw the boy a low-value small pink soft toy. “Be thankful, boy, and be on your way,” he said, and closed the window. Octopus Energy is now having to use all its tentacles to tighten its belt and watch the pennies by shortening the off-peak rate for EV charging and reducing the rewards on offer in Octopus Saving Sessions. Time is running out to rebuild its shaky balance sheet.

Then there is Dale Grinch, determined to ruin Christmas for everyone by harvesting subsidies (yes, Dale, ROCs really are subsidies), and then charging his customers more than the price cap for the privilege.

We cannot forget the wolf from Red Riding Hood, but now in sheep’s clothing, played by Jonathan Brearley at Ofgem, who advocates for Net Zero rather than the customer. Energy bills are going up, and more spending on the grid keeps being announced, ensuring bills will rise even more. The wolf has grown fat at our expense and fallen asleep at the wheel, not enforcing sanctions against some of the biggest energy suppliers despite them not meeting new capital adequacy rules.

Nor should we overlook the ursine polyamorous throuple running the Green Party, who have hooked up with every progressive cause other than their core purpose. Not only have they joined Greta “Goldilocks” Thunberg in no longer caring whether the planet is too hot, too cold or just right, they have weighed in on issues from Modern Monetary Theory (aka Magic Money Trees) to legalising drugs. Even slavery, as long as it’s the modern kind, not the bigoted old type, is fine for them. Illegal immigration is to be encouraged, just as long as they’re not housed in their district. Perhaps infantile baby bear Zack thinks he can hypnotise voters into believing climate alarmism again when the time comes for an election.

The ugly sisters this year are Dhara Vyas of Energy UK and Emma Pinchbeck, formerly of Energy UK, now heading up the Climate Change Committee (CCC). They are seeking out the Christmas stockings of the naughty children and replacing the pieces of coal with miniature solar panels to be supposedly more climate-friendly. This is particularly cruel, as at least the coal could have been burnt to keep warm in the bleak mid-winter, but the solar panels will produce the square root of sod all.

Now we must shed a crocodile tear for the pirates of Net Zero, the developers of offshore windfarms. Despite collecting their pieces of silver and gold from generous renewables subsidies, companies like Orsted and investment trusts like Octopus Renewables Investment Trust and Greencoat UK Wind look to be holed beneath the waterline, especially if the Tories get in and remove carbon taxes and ROCs.

The Prince John and Sheriff of Nottingham of 2025 have been the CCC and the National Energy System Operator (NESO). They have enforced the tyranny of Net Zero with their Seventh Carbon Budget and Future Energy Scenarios, respectively. They have created unicorn plans and used fantasy costs to try and hoodwink the public into believing Net Zero will be cheap. The new head of the CCC, Nigel “Prince John” Topping was even caught dissembling in his response to Claire “Cinderella” Coutinho.

Unfortunately, we will have to do more than rub on Aladdin’s magic lamp to wish Net Zero away. However, there are positive signs the world is realising that it will take more than magic beans to build the Net Zero beanstalk to the sky.

Merry Christmas everyone and Happy New Year. Here’s to an even better 2026.

David Turver writes the Eigen Values Substack page, where this article first appeared.