Could Comic Cow Shows Be the Answer to Today’s Misery?

Jeremy Clarkson suggested in the Sunday Times that cow racing is just the sort of sport people would enjoy watching. He explains how much fun it would be to watch 34 cows having a good run, leaping over hedges – it would be a bit like cheese rolling only funnier. He writes, “And that’s what I’ve realised sport needs. Not more professionalism and skill. The opposite.” I think we can take things one step further and import comic cow competitions the French have perfected.

The night before reading Clarkson’s piece, I happened to be near Biarritz in the south of France watching Top à la Vachette, whereby members of the public do battle with young bulls and compete in a number of absurd games and obstacle courses. It is a wild mixture of a children’s soft play centre, Gladiators, the Floor is Lava – with real live hoof-pawing, heavily muscled Camargue bulls for added jeopardy.

The men who are eager to leap over the metal fences into the arena are usually in their early 20s and come ready for action – often wearing football boots to grip the loose gravel floor. Bulls are released and the men have to complete whatever game has been set – either a football match with inflatable goals and a giant ball, or ‘Church bells’ where they have to pull on see-saw ropes and fly each other up into the air before being charged by the bulls. The bulls, though not fully grown and wearing little silver egg cups on their horns so as not to gore anyone, weigh up to 700 pounds. Men are caught between their horns, tossed to the floor, barged out of the way and have to take flying leaps to scramble up the fence out of harm’s way, flicking their legs balletically towards their shoulders. The crowds whoop and holler for more. There was no blood this year, but my sister, who is a seasoned fan, says there often is – not from the bulls, but the young men when they slip, or get stamped on. Once tossed by a bull, the men jump up and continue playing whatever game is on. The middle son said he thought that getting thrown by a bull might feel like a hard rugby tackle or a big wrestle and might not be as painful as it looks.

Women are welcome too, but seem to limit their participation to the donkey race. They are encouraged to lean forward horizontal along the donkey’s back hugging the neck close. The donkeys all begin to run and the ladies jiggle up and down with their bottoms in the air in a rapid motion that might make Bonnie Blue blush. It is hilarious. They invariably slide round and fall off and lie laughing helplessly on the floor, rolling out of the way when another donkey and rider joggle past.

The finale is bull running with children. Our youngest joined in. The spectacle of grown men being thrown around by bulls did not put him off but rather invigorated him. He joined a crowd of children – no annoying forms, risk assessments or waivers needed to be signed – they entered the arena and five young bullocks were released. The children ran for all their might and looked as happy as anything. When a girl next to our son stumbled, fell over and was trampled, he picked up his pace, rounding the final corner before leaping over an inflatable barrier before the bullocks thundered past. We saw the girl later being returned to her smiling parents with an icepack and a bag of sweets.

The crowd, a cheerful mix of multi-generational families, clapped and cheered and laughed throughout, and in between games did Mexican waves, sang Basque songs and stamped their feet. Tickets are €13 for adults, €7 for children. There were nine of us in our group and we all enjoyed it. The cows looked well cared for too – the accompanying leaflet advertising the ranch where they all live happily when not trying to throw members of the public into paddling pools.

As Jeremy Clarkson opined, professional sports are just so good, they can sometimes lack the fun factor. And they are so expensive. An equivalent night out for nine of us, at our local football club would cost upwards of £500. Could comic cow competitions take off over here and provide that reasonably priced multi-generational laugh-out-loud activity that would help bind our communities together? Why not? We’ve successfully imported Padel and Pickleball and the Scandinavian communal sauna culture has boomed in Britain since 2000. Although French, I’m sure even Dominic Sandbrook would approve of this superb sport. To all the farmers out there crushed by Reeve’s IHT, please consider diversifying and establishing a British comic cow competition – the public would thank you.

Joanna Gray is a writer and confidence coach. She is looking for a publisher for FLOURISH: How to Help the Digital Generation Leave Home and Live Happy and Prosperous Lives. Please get in touch if interested.