The Next Big Thing in 2024? Magic Stones

Here’s my prediction for 2024: we’ll all be compelled to carry a magic stone to ward off evil spirits.

This is the logical consequence of the Covid inquiry embracing a new version of the precautionary principle that states we should do something if it might work (what’s the harm ?) rather than not act until we have evidence that acting produces more benefit than harm (after all, such evidence gathering is tantamount to “doing nothing”). As magic stones might help to ward off evil spirits, and we’re not intending to test whether this is true or not, one of the recommendations of the inquiry will therefore be for us all to carry them “just in case”.

Big Pharma will rapidly develop magic stones and these stones won’t be subject to rigorous clinical testing as the regulatory authorities will have decided that this is an unnecessary burden preventing these new “safe and effective”(tm) treatments reaching patients. Modelling from Imperial College will demonstrate a 98% reduction in evil spirits for those carrying a magic stone, which will lead to millions of lives being saved from evil spirits.

Magic stones will need to be made from highly radioactive materials (such as uranium or plutonium) so that their ionising radiation can “zap” nearby evil spirits, destroying them and preventing their onward spread in the population. Some people will point out that evil spirits, being non-corporeal, are not affected by ionising radiation, but these people will be rightly shunned and have their social media accounts shut down. Computer models will demonstrate that magic stones should be carried in trouser/skirt pockets at all times to be most effective and that any local burning sensations are the evil spirits being destroyed.

To prevent evil spirits from non-stoners infecting the population legislation will be passed to make it compulsory to carry a magic stone. Shops, pubs and restaurants will have to check patrons for stones before they can let them in and no one without a magic stone will be permitted to travel.

A small hold out of evidence-based scientists will publish a densely worded, logically concise 500 page meta analysis on magic stones and conclude that they don’t work, but a 500 word opinion piece in the New York Times will be used as conclusive counter-evidence of the ongoing efficacy of magic stones in warding off evil spirits. The authors of the offending scientific review will then rightly be denounced as “f**kwits”.

2024 will conclude with the government commissioning an inquiry into magic stones and their effectiveness at warding off evil spirits. The inquiry will not question the actual efficacy of magic stones and the fact that evil spirits continued to be endemic in the population despite high levels of stone carrying. Nor will it look at the sudden rise in testicular cancers, birth defects, or numerous serious dermatological issues that were coincident with the roll out of magic stones as these were clearly unrelated in any way, shape or form…after all correlation does not equal causation. Instead the inquiry will focus on explaining why we should have had larger and more radioactive stones and will blame the fact that we didn’t on trouser/skirt pockets being too small, which will be Boris’ fault.